and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
