I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The feeling are messing with the penis
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
