why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
