What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
