don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
