When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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