How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
