so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
