moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
