Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
