Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
