yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Sorry my hands just texted you
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
