The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
