I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
