We named our party play list daddy issues
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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