She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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