I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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