oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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