so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
