I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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