The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
