I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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