My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Little spoons don't ask big questions
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
