Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just pee around me
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
