Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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