I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
