Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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