I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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