Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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