i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
my liver is dry heaving
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
