My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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