Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize