my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
