Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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