totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
