I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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