You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
