Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
