my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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