Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
