My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
