dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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