On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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