i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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