Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Drunk is a universal language darling
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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