She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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