there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
