Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
