no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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