things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
