Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
