I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
