I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
