There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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