I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
