I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
