I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
