Don't make out with my wife yet
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
