Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
